A Tale of Nine Chickens

Once upon a time . . . .



I had nine chickens.



Then, the neighbor's dogs discovered my chickens.



And now I have none.



And they are minus one dog.



THE END.

Our 2010 Christmas Card

The Twelve Questions of Christmas

Answer all questions correctly to win the opportunity of a sleepover with the child of your choice!

1.        The Smiths, in 2010, have

a.       Traveled extensively overseas, including Portugal, Spain, Greece, and Italy.

b.       Nearly made it as far as Birmingham.

c.       Driven around the block.

2.       The elder children have

a.       Sometimes been encouraged to get off the couch.

b.       Had a very good year at school.

c.       Resisted all attempts to turn them into decent human beings.

3.       The youngest children, Matthew and Lauren, have

a.       Discovered exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

b.       Started composing their third opera.

c.       Eaten their weight in marshmallows.

4.       Our dear daughter, Lauren, also known as ‘Princess Ruby’, has

a.       Discovered how to mess up an entire room in 3 seconds or less.

b.       Invented new and interesting ways of disposing of leftover chocolate.

c.       Investigated interior decorating with permanent markers as a possible career.

5.       The eldest child, Todd, has once again

a.       Excelled at school, been voted Young American of the Year, and turned down yet another nomination for a Nobel Prize.

b.       Maintained, to everyone’s surprise, an upright and warm stance.

c.       Impressed everyone with his mad drum skills in his school’s marching band.

6.       Zackery has spent the year

a.       Treading the boards as a noted thespian.

b.       Treading water.

c.       Treading lightly in fear of his parents’ wrath.

               

7.        Ian, the Father of the family, has

a.       Shown himself to be the same boring, uninteresting, and unremittingly dull person he has always been.

b.       Shown a devotion to all sports, in particular baseball, football, soccer, lacrosse, and deep-sea fishing.

c.       Worked two jobs all year so his lovely wife could be the domestic goddess.

 

8.       Miranda, otherwise known as “the domestic goddess”, has

a.       Gotten heavily into tattoos and body piercing.

b.       Finally started working on her college degree while managing a house and five other people.

c.       Lounged about in satin pajamas eating grapes and drinking the occasional stiff gin.

9.       In our spare time, we

a.       Clean the bathroom.

b.       Discuss post-Hegelian philosophy in German.

c.       Kick each others butts in Band Hero.

10.    Our house has

a.       Been featured extensively in “Southern Living” magazine.

b.       Not yet fallen down.

c.       New and alarming cracks in the walls.

11.      Our dog, Spike, has

a.       Left plentiful blessings all over the front yard.

b.       Joined the Salvation Army, thereby renouncing his title, and annoying the neighbors with his all-night timbrel playing.

c.       Just farted.

12.     Our hopes and wishes for the future include

a.       An uninterrupted night’s sleep.

b.       World peace or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

c.       Your continued friendship.

We hope you enjoy this holiday season with your family and friends. Merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year!!!

Love,

~The Smith Family~

What have you been up to?

Yes, I realize I'm a terrible blogger. I haven't posted anything in almost 2 months. I've thought about posting, taken pictures with the intent of updating the blog, but I never quite got around to it.

Other days I ask myself why I bother with it? Does anybody read this thing? Does anyone care what goes on in my neck of the woods?

Then I kindly remind myself that it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not. I read it. I do this more for me than anyone else. This is my way of keeping a journal/scrapbook since I'm terrible at both.

So . . . here's the rundown of the last few weeks.

October found us finishing up football season, which means Todd is done with the marching band for this year . . .  well, almost. The band marched in a couple of parades, but I'll get to that in a few.

We did a little trick-or-treating, and . . . . and . . . . and that's about it for the month of October.
 

Oh, and Matt's class went on a field trip to the corn maze and pumpkin patch in Loxley.

Hmmmm . . . . November . . . . November came and went so fast. I think I missed it, except that I distinctly remember having ham and dressing in there somewhere. And pie. There might have been a piece of pie also.

I finished up my first college class and started another one. I'm hanging in there even though I may be 50 by the time I complete my degree.

My sister and I worked for our aunt for a couple of weeks to help get her house company ready in time for the holidays. Actually, we morphed into pack mules for about 2 weeks. My back was never so happy to see that job come to an end, and I realized I CAN'T juggle a job, school, and a family. (And I don't want to, either!) I really have to hand it to the moms who do manage all that, and more.

We're now in December, full-swing, and Christmas is only 12 days away. YIKES!!!

Remember the parades I mentioned? Todd was in Christmas parades two nights in a row.

We've never been to a night parade before, so it was really fun to see the floats and cars lit up with Christmas lights. We have enough candy to last us all year. Not that it will last us a year because I'll get tired of candy-crazed children and I'll end up trashing it before Valentine's Day.

I sold a few bows in a local craft festival and made a WHOPPING $17. Better luck next time, I guess. In the meantime, Lauren has enjoyed having her choice of bows to wear even though she doesn't leave them in her hair for very long.

Did I mention we had snow? Just a little tiny bit, but it snowed.


In December.


In Alabama.

This week is the last week of school before Christmas break, which I usually dread, but I'm actually looking forward to having more relaxed mornings. I can't say I'm looking forward to sleeping in because my kids don't know how to sleep in. It's a foreign concept around my house. If someone sleeps later than 7:00 I check them for fever because they must be sick.

Up next is the band Christmas concert, then Todd's class party, Matt's class party, Matt's  field trip, and Zack's class party . . . in that order. Wheeeeeeeeeee . . . . . . are we having fun yet?

So, what have you been up to?

Grown Up At Last

Every Friday Zack brings home a paper with four to five questions. He has to write out the answers in complete sentences. I think the purpose of the exercise is to teach the kids to begin each sentence with a capital letter and end with a period.

Ok, scratch that. I just read at the bottom of the worksheet in teeny tiny letters 'Learning to Write Paragraphs'.

So I wasn't completely wrong.

I love reading his answers because it helps me to know my child a little better. 

This one is titled "Grown Up At Last". I've typed his answers exactly the way he wrote them.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: I want to be a polic oficer when I grow up.

Q: Where do you want to work?
A: I will work at the shereiffs apartment.

Q: Where do you want to live?
A: I want to live in Atlanta.

Q: What is a bad thing about being grown up?
A: A bad thing about being grown up is geting people to hush.

Q: What the best thing about being grown up?
A: The best thing about being grown up is living in Atlanta.


Just last week he told me he wanted to play college football and be a football and baseball coach. You don't think his dad working for the 'shereiffs apartment' has anything to do with his current ambition?

As for 'geting people to hush' . . . . yeah, I guess that's a pretty tough part about being a grown-up. Especially when it's little people you're trying to get to hush. They usually don't listen very well. Not at my house anyway.

They say laughter is good for the soul . . .

If that's the case then my soul ought to be in pretty good shape today.

Too bad I can't say the same for my body. Oh, well . . . .

Anywho.

If your soul needs a workout, keep reading.


This morning Lauren insisted she was riding her tricycle to maw maw's house to have a sleepover.

Here's the rest of that conversation.

Matt: "Mom, do you have a bicycle?"

Me: "No, honey."

Matt: "Yes, you do. You have a purple one."

Me: "No, that's daddy's bike. It has been a very long time since mommy's had a bike."

Lauren: "You a crazy driver?"

(Hmmm . . . that might explain it.)


Just before that conversation happened, Lauren came out of her room dressed in her nightgown, socks, and one shoe on. Remember, she was planning to ride her tricycle to maw maw's house?

Ian: "Hey, Princess Abubu, I love your outfit."

Me: "But she's so stinkin' cute!"

Lauren: "Yeah, I am stinky."
(I was sure she was gonna say, "yeah, I am cute.")


Lauren wanted to hold Spike's leash on the way home from the vet.

He wasn't staying where she wanted him to, so she gave it to him straight . . . . "Get back here, you dumb@ss."

This isn't the first time she's said this, and I've had a (several) little talk with her about not saying that word.

Apparently I haven't gotten through. (Thanks, dad!)


Later on today . . . .

Lauren was using the potty. She always calls me or dad to help her get toilet paper. She wanted to clean herself, so I left her to take care of business on her own.

It wasn't long when she called me back to help her. It figures.

As I'm getting the tissue ready for wiping her bum, she looked down into the potty and said, "Mom, look. It's a poop clue."

Me: "It is? Ok, honey."

Lauren: "Are you gonna hide it?"

I spelled it wrong

Matt was playing with a light-up spinning top he earned as a prize for one of the school's fundraisers.

Most folks know these 'prizes' usually aren't very well made.

It was already partially broken before he stepped off the bus.

It was broken into two pieces with wires and batteries falling out before we made it home from maw maw's house.

And so Matt,  determined not to have to throw his new piece of crap favorite toy in the trash, set out to 'fix' it.

He had it working pretty well by supper time.

The next thing I heard coming from my sweet little, blond-haired, blue-eyed baby boy was, "What the hell . . . . "
 I'm guessing something wasn't going quite right with his toy.

This is the conversation that followed.

Me:  "Whooooaaaa! What did you say?"

Matt: "Nothing."

Me: "Did you say, 'what the hell'?"

Matt:  "Yes."

Me:  "Did you say hell or hail?" (We do live in the south, and he is my most country-fied sounding child. I had to make sure.)

Matt:  "Hell."

Me: "Don't say that, honey. That's not a good thing to say."

Matt:  "Then I said hail."

Me:  "That's not what I heard."

Matt:  "I meant to say hail, but I spelled it wrong."

The stuff sitcoms are made of

This was the conversation going on in the backseat of our van as we were on our way to Mobile yesterday evening.

Zack: "MATT, BE QUIET!"

Matt: "NO!"

Zack: "BE QUIET!!!"

Matt: "NO!"

Zack: "BE QUIET!!!"

Matt: "NO!!!"

Zack: "YES! BE QUIET! I'M OLDER THAN YOU SO YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!"

Matt: "I CAN STILL PUNCH YOU!!!!"



You can't make this stuff up.

On the subject of going to Mobile . . . we made the mistake of going to watch Blacksher (our team) get their butts stomped on, wiped off, and stomped on again by Mobile Christian (the enemy). It was their homecoming.  

WHAT WERE WE THINKING??!!

We had to park across the street at a church because they were charging a parking fee. A PARKING FEE??!! For a high school football game? Geez, Louise!

So we parked across the street and walked at least a mile to get to the game.

Don't get me wrong. I seriously need the exercise. But you try crossing four lanes of traffic with three kids, 2 blankets, 3 jackets, 1 purse filled with 2 kids' supper because they didn't finish eating and were still hungry, and 2 bleacher cushions.

You'd think they'd have some street lights so drivers can see you. No. And we were all wearing purple, except Ian. He was wearing blue.


Just before we made it across, Matt's kids meal toy popped open and all of the little cards inside fell out onto the street.

Mom was not about to stop her big purple-wearing self in the middle of the street to pick up some cards.

Needless to say I had a very unhappy Matt on my hands for the rest of the hike to the main gate.

Zack was a sweetheart and gave Matt his cards.

We finally made it to the main gate, sweaty and out of breath. Please tell me why I bothered to fix my hair and put on make-up?

Anywho. Long story short. They charged us $24 to get into this game ($6 each), had port-a-potties with no toilet paper, and rickety wooden bleachers that weren't high enough to see over the cheerleaders to be able to watch the game. We ended up leaving right after half-time. What a waste of time and money. I don't think I'll be going to any more away games.

Funny moment: When we stopped for gas on the way home, I discovered I'd been sitting on french fries. I had a nice greasy butt stain when I took the kids in the store to use the restroom.

Week in Review

Started class again. Since my brain is too old to juggle two classes at one time, and life ran me over more than once during last semester, I dropped both of my classes and started over. I'm now taking just one class at a time. I decided to retake English 101 . . . .  the class I absolutely hated. What was I thinking? I'm a glutton for punishment. At the rate I'm going I might finish my degree by the time my youngest child is a senior.

Cleaned, cleaned, cleaned because the HIPPY lady(Ms. Cindy) was coming. She came, she left, and I didn't clean anymore for the rest of the week.

Ok, I might've cleaned a little bit on this day. That was about it.

Errand day. Bank, Walmart, bills, bills, bills, lunch, bills, Walmart again.

Football! Drove 2 hours to watch Blacksher(our team) get their butts stomped by Millry(the enemy). Ok, lets be real. I don't watch football. I went to watch my eldest son perform with the marching band. If football games were determined by how well the band did, then we beat them hands down.

*Highlights - Millry had more concessions than a county fair. Funnel cakes, snow cones, homemade pixie sticks, homemade fried pork skins, strawberry lemonade . . . I'll stop there.

*Funniest moment - Ian getting pulled over on the way home for his 'serious' driving. He was a little tired and was swerving more than we realized. We only had a couple more miles before we reached the gas station (we're in the boonies here) so I could take over driving. The nice officer let us go ahead and switch and we were on our merry way without a ticket. Thank goodness!

Grocery shopped with the whole family. That's right, all 6 of us. I don't do this often because I'm always reminded never to take them all to the store again. It wasn't too bad. I divided up the list and sent 2 kids with Ian and 2 came with me. We even bought groceries for the whole week for less than $100! That never happens. Woot! Later, we took Ian to work and #2, #3, and I went back to Walmart for haircuts. (Walmart is my 2nd home.) Mine took a little longer than I would have liked. When I was finally done, Matt said, "Mom, you took so long that my hair grew back in!" As a reward for being so good, I took them to McDonald's for supper . . . without Ian. I told you I was a glutton for punishment. (Actually, they did REALLY well. I was a proud mom.)

Is yet to be determined. I should be watching General Conference. I'm such a terrible example in that area. I'm a terrible example in a lot of areas, apparently. I need a shower. I need to clean. I need to eat breakfast. Oh, well, at least the kids and the animals have been fed and watered.

P.S. It's a beautiful Fall day!!! There's a lovely autumn breeze and a crispness in the air. I love it! Makes me wish I had some hot apple cider brewing on my stove.

Would you care for a Spree?

No, thanks. I think I'll pass. 

But the girl ate them, sort of. She licked the coating off and then threw them away.

And later on, one of the brothers found one on the floor. 

I warned him, but he didn't care. 

He ate it.

Boys.

 

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I don't always remember to write down the funny things my kids say. I try, but my brain can only remember so much. It's pretty full as it is and, let's be honest, it's not as young as it once was.

So, before I forget, and before my brain fills up with other things I have to try to remember, here are a few funnies my two youngest kidlets said today.


Lauren --- Apparently she was watching TV before the brothers came home from school. She didn't appreciate the oldest brother turning it from her show. "Mommy, Todd turned it from my Dora moobie(movie). He watching Abbatar(Avatar)."

Matt --- He was helping Lauren with her 'schoolwork' this evening. In response to one of the activities she was supposed to do, he said, "Mom, I have a hypopesis!" (hypothesis) That's an awfully big word for a 5 y.o. I asked him where he heard about hypothesis. He said, "From Dinosaur Train!"

See? TV isn't all bad.

Another one from Lauren --- Zack was using the bathroom. I guess she needed to go and he was taking too long. She came tattling to me, "Mommy, Zack is pooping in my baffroom!"

Pardon me, but isn't that what the bathroom is for? And when did it become her bathroom?

Now, these may not be funny to some people. . . or most people . . . . or anyone other than the person who birthed these two little punks (ME!), but they gave me a good laugh today. And that's all that counts in my book.

A Non-Announcement

I'm not announcing anything.

I'm not telling you we have a new dog.

And the reason I'm not telling you this is because every time we get a new dog, it dies . . . or it eats one of my chickens. And if it eats a chicken, it makes the long trip to the animal shelter.

Chicken-eating dogs can't live at my house.

Just for posterity's sake, here's a run-down of the dogs we've had over the last year and a half.

Brownie - She was very sweet chocolate lab mix. We got her as a puppy. She fought the van and the van won.

Jack - He was an older dog, a Shiba Inu. His owner had to move out of state so he came to live with us. Jack loved to go on adventures through the woods and across the field to visit his friend, Marly(a yellow lab). He survived a snake bite and a gunshot wound, but was very unhappy being tied up(we were keeping him from his adventures). He ended up killing one of my chickens (I really don't think he meant to) and I let him go about his merry traveling way. He never came back home.

Ace - We also got him as a puppy, another lab mix. He was so, so sweet. If I could chose a personality for a dog, I would want every dog to be like him(except for the getting into the trash part). He and Jack were good buddies. Ace was also bitten by a snake, but didn't survive.

Terra - We found her on the side of the road eating trash. I'm not sure what breed she was, just a cute puppy. She and Jack became friends, but she only lasted about a week. She died, but we don't know why.

Rollie - He was a cute black lab mix. A neighbor found him behind his house and thought the pup belonged to us. He wasn't ours, but since the neighbor didn't want him, we decided to give him a try. He liked my chickens. A lot. Remember what I said about chicken-eating dogs?

So there you have it. Now you understand why I'm not telling you we have a dog.

This is the dog we don't have.

His name is not Spike and he's not a Boston Terrier.

The kids don't like him, at all. Especially the girl. 

The dog, not named Spike, doesn't like us much either.None whatsoever.

He doesn't bring us his ball or stuffed animal incessantly, begging us to throw it for him.

He's not easily excited. 

He also doesn't sound like Speed Buggy when he gets excited. Or maybe it's Snot Rod?

He doesn't snore like a grown man, either. And he doesn't clear a room when he farts. 

Yeah, he fits in pretty well around here . . . which is not at all . . . because we don't have a new dog.

I've Met My Match

I've had many a few not-so-proud mommy moments. In these moments, I'm usually stressed to the max and I do something really dumb . . . . . like throw toss a plastic Little Tykes chair.

You know those fat-legged yellow ones?

Yeah, these right here. Those would be the ones.

Of course the chair can't just bounce off a piece of furniture. It has to hit the wall.

For the record, and before anyone starts dialing DCS, I wasn't trying to hit the wall OR anything else, for that matter.

I was just ticked with the mess the girl made in the recently cleaned room. Don't you ever get tired of cleaning the same messes over and over and OVER AND OVER?!?!

Anywho, back to my story.

So, the mess was made and I became upset and tossed the chair, which left a chair leg-sized indention in the wall. The next day she made more messes in her room and managed to break a small mirror and a picture frame I had standing against the wall in the hallway.

Later that evening, I had to run up to my parents' house really quickly for something (I can't remember what). I was planning to go alone, but when the girl saw that I was about to leave, she started having a hissy fit to go with me.

I calmly said to her, "Tell me why I should let you go with me? You messed up your room again, pulled stuff out of your closet, broke my mirror and my picture frame. Why should I let you go when you've done all these things?"

Her reply, "You broke my wall."

She said this very innocently while making this gesture .  -------------->







All I could say was, "Fair enough."

FYI: I ask my other kids this same question when they want me to do something for them or if they want to go with me somewhere and it's been a rough day.

None of them have ever given me a good reason . . . . until now.